EVIL ALL OF THE TIME! – MICROWAVE MASSACRE

Director Wayne Berwick was somehow able to save some cash playing it small time in big Hollywood working in the sound department on such classics as Hitch Hike to Hell and Malibu High. In doing so he was able to conjure up a meager budget and put it into his own film. Hence, Microwave Massacre was born.

 

1I remember seeing this box art way back in the day and having it presented to me by a friend as being some dirty shit and how cool he was for getting to view it. Realistically, his parents probably miscalculated the ridiculousness of the image on the cover and that it was tagged as a horror comedy. How bad could it be right? Well, it turns out it is rather trashy for the time. Of course it was like 1988 when I was introduced to this film and it wasn’t like you could exactly Google up some Japanese tentacle porn. We’re all so jaded now as a society. So as I kicked back to watch Mr. Berwick’s blue collar brand of horror I couldn’t help to imagine ten year old me smiling back that I had finally got around to seeing this video store classic. It only took me like twenty five years. Meh… fuck you.

 

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“Well, the only problem is, I can’t make love to a woman, unless I eat her.”

So the rundown goes like this. Donald, played by Jackie Vernon, is a construction worker that can’t get a decent meal due to his wife only being about cooking on a gourmet level. Donald has had enough! All he wants is a bologna and cheese sandwich with a cold one. It doesn’t help Donald that his wife is a muumuu wearing nag fest going on and on about all of her amazing cooking and of course Donald’s unappreciative bad attitude. One night following some after hours drinking he comes home and beats his wife to death with a giant pepper grinder upon being served some green looking slime shit on a plate. Somebody get this guy a fucking Snickers bar, cause he’s just not himself when he’s hungry. Donald won’t have to suffer the epicurean delights of his wife any longer as he decides to shove his beloved into the biggest microwave on the planet, nuke her, and portion her out for future nibblings. Donald is happy to share his newly discovered cuisine with his unaware co workers and the random prostitute women that wander through the construction zone. Donald’s cooking becomes so irresistible for him and his friends that it encourages Donald to over indulge in his new favorite activities, fucking easy women and then eating them. The real horror lies with how much tail this guy is able to get. Jackie Vernon voiced the classic Frosty the Snowman cartoon from back in the day, so as an added bonus you can close your eyes you can hear Frosty the Snowman spitting out crappy one liners and doing dirty filthy things to random chicks. It will fuck with your childhood so go ahead and do that. I won’t go into any further details on this one you’re just going to have to watch this oddity on your own to get the full experience of the film and it’s hilarious ending. It’s an experience that really begs to be coupled with a few cold PBR’s and some beef jerky. Bon appetit!

 

 

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